Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Does Donald Rumsfeld Ice His Underpants?

A mystery thread on the Something Awful forums. The fellow writing there claims to be a White House worker dishing out gossip and random crazy stories about the current occupants. He starts off talking about the big players. About Donald Rumsfeld he writes:
Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because he is some super-man. He also wears nylon stockings, not because he's gay, but to control some vascular problem with his legs which causes him intense pain.
About Dick Cheney:
Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like shit as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER. He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and tunelessly to himself while taking shits.
Eventually, he turns to criticism of a less dishy nature:
As for the media, they are completely fucking worthless, and I hate all of them with a passion. They are worse than the people here, because they choose to be depraved and corrupted. It is they who should have prevented Washington from becoming what it is today. At any rate, they never get anything good or solid because we have them mostly contained in a little box, and if they misbehave, they aren't invited back. They should be raising a stink about this, but they aren't, because they are worthless, incompetent people with no sense of outrage.
The mix of a partisan political view and outrageous tales reminds me a great deal of Hunter Thompson, and I would definitely recommend reading this Daily Kos compilation of the guy's writings. They're a fascinating read.

By the way, the guy describes an insider trading scheme in his posts and, as far as I can tell, accurately describes the state of the law involved when people in government trade on the basis of inside information. Specifically, if they receive information from an insider, they cannot trade on the basis of that information. They can, however, trade on information that their government position gives them, like knowledge of votes, etc. Anything not communicated to them by an actual corporate insider.

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