Billboard Hot 100

The Billboard Hot 100 as of today, March 30, 2010.

1. Rude Boy by Rihanna. All I want to say is that I found Umbrella to be obnoxious due to the fact that "umbrella" has three syllables, not the incessant tetrasyllabic pronunciation favored by Rihanna in this song. Also execrable for "inspiring" the too-similar and "Halo" by Beyonce.

2. Nothin' On You by B.o.B Featuring Bruno Mars. This isn't called "Beautiful Girls". At first, you think he's singing about playing the field, then you realize it's a sweet ode to fidelity. And who wouldn't want a girl like this: "Baby you the whole package/Plus you pay your taxes". Bonus: "And just like that girl, you got me froze/Like a Nintendo 64". My N64 never froze. But my Wii while playing Lego Indiana Jones, well that's another story.

3. Telephone by Lady Gaga. I'm generally ambivalent about her. Just Dance was garbage. The fan hyperbole for fairly generic dance pop puzzles me. That said, I like this one. The sweet harp intro evokes pleasant nostalgia for Brandy & Monica's The Boy is Mine. Oddly underplayed on the Bay Area pop station Wild 94.9. If not here, where?

4. Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. I can understand not hearing this one on Wild 94.9. Sweet tune, with the distinctive I-iii chord change in the chorus, like Goodbye Horses by Q Lazzarus.

5. Break Your Heart by Taio Cruz featuring Ludacris. Generic.

6. Imma Be by Black Eyed Peas. I am unpersuaded by the argument that the idiotic lyrics of the Black Eyed Peas ruin any enjoyment to be gained from these songs. I'm a New Order fan, after all. That said, the other singles, particularly Boom Boom Pow and I Gotta Feeling, were better.

7. Hey Soul Sister by Train. Tuneful enough, but I can't shake the feeling that the song is suddenly going to bust into that ukulele version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

8. BedRock by Young Money. I thought this song was #1 in the country. In fact, it maxed out at #2. Like a Michael Bay movie, it's just dopey enough to be ingratiating. Frequently makes me want to rip the radio out of the car, though.

9. TiK ToK by Ke$ha. Dance pop done right - fun chorus beats with rapping so goofy it warms the heart. "the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger/But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger" What? Mick Jagger is 66! "I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk/Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk" That's funny. "Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy?" What? A thing is obscure when its meaning is hidden, often with deep personal resonance for the speaker. It is a sweet poetic fault in Gerard Manley Hopkins and, apparently, in Ke$ha.

10. Baby by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris. Bad and bland. Justin Bieber's constant presence on the Twitter "Trending" sidebar serves to remind me that most Twitter users are Not Me.

BONUS LISTING

11. Carry Out by Timbaland featuring Justin Timberlake. This is my favorite song on the radio right now, for its lovely beat. I fear this dates me horribly, as I remember when Timbaland was popular the first time around and I know how long ago that was. Still, cracking number!