Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Law school and why it should go fuck itself.

I get the exact same grade in three classes. It's not a bad grade, mind you, it's a respectable grade, but not as high as I'd like to have gotten for two of those classes. In those two classes, I followed everything closely and had, I feel, a very solid grasp on the material (one class, Copyrights, I was really into and would consider my attitude). The third class? I started working in that class two and a half days before the final. AIGH! This drives me nuts - I work hard or I jerk off and the result is the motherfucking same!

Plus, I had a higher grade, the kind of grade I wanted for those other two classes, in Corporations. Corporations?! I'm a motherfucking Marxist, I'm not supposed to do well in Corporations, for christ sake!

I really wanted to excel at this shit this time around, and I tried and it didn't pay off. I often wonder if this whole going to law school was a mistake - I feel like I don't have the natural aptitude for this stuff sometimes, that I don't do as well as easily as I did in other areas, like languages. And I feel bad because I'm not really doing great at school, by which I mean not that I'm doing poorly, but that I'm not doing well - I'm just average.

But then there's a part of me that thinks that maybe that's the way it should be. I'm into this to get a job that's going to support me and challenge me more than the unskilled stuff I'd done before. I'm not into this to get an identity from one activity. I'm trying to be more rounded and balanced. And even if the practice of law doesn't work for me, I can still use my JD and law experience to get a good non-law job. This part of me thinks that what I'm really angry about is that I'm not special in an area where I've traditionally been special. And, in reality, I don't need the approval represented in a high score on an essay that's the result of three hours' work.

And then I just remind myself that I need to focus on those other goals, that the pursuit of those goals will make me far happier than these grades ever could. And while it sucks to have put effort into something and not gotten the results you'd hoped for, this is one semester of law school, nothing more. It's not the end of the world, it's not cancer, and it's not a giant foot trying to crush you. Also of note - law school is one of the more reviled institutions known to man, maybe there's a reason for that.

Okay, enough livejournaling, I'ma post an old Pink Floyd video.

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